How old is my child in Heaven?

By Rachel Fitzgerald
Owner & Founder of Weathered Raindrop

How old is my child in Heaven? It’s time for me to answer this.

My son died when he was 4, our daughter as an infant. Their 4 siblings discuss their Heavenly ages often and this of course was the grand topic this morning as today is (or would have been) their big/little brothers 13th birthday in Heaven. They are not old enough to fully understand my answer so I let them discuss their special rationales and what brings their little hearts peace, is fine with me.
For years now I have felt no need to share publicly on what has most certainly brought the very most peace through my children’s deaths. My closest friends have heard bits and pieces but this part of my journey has not been something I’ve been willing to share. Until today.

No one was a particular age. It was the feeling and a knowing, like a magnetic pull that you can’t turn away from. Guilt was non existent and I think that’s what left me with the most questions. How can I still feel so much guilt here when there was no guilt felt there. There were no words spoken but there were conversations. I didn’t wonder if my children were there, I knew they were. I didn’t have to reach out or pull them close. I felt their embrace, individually, but was never actually touched. The hardest part to explain is where God was. It was as if He was the breath I was not taking. A desperate need that was completely fulfilled. I knew the difference between the kids without wondering or seeing their faces. The light was strong, you would have had to squint and turn your head here, but I didn’t have to there. There was no searching for others, I knew immediately who was there. I didn’t question anything because I had no questions, there was nothing unknown. There were things looking back that I now question, things I remember but no longer make sense to me here. When it was time to go I didn’t feel sad, I knew the entire time I wasn’t there to stay but it was never explained to me. My children seemed just as happy when the fade started, there was no panic in them. The pull was released and instantly awful sadness, panic and hurt flooded back into me.

Our son isn’t 4 or 13 in Heaven today, he is ageless and he is alive.

Repost from Facebook post dated January 29, 2021

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