“This pain is not survivable..."

"I’d heard the desperate screams from mothers and soft wail from fathers..."

As an ER nurse I remember believing I knew what grief was. I had held the hands of the dying and comforted those left behind. I’d heard the desperate screams from mothers and soft wail from fathers as they stood holding their child, for the last moments. I’d watched countless husbands and wives carry a fixed blank stare across the room, unsure how life will continue, without their partner.

I also remember the remarkable peace felt by those who were certain of their loved ones faith, those that could say with no uncertainty that they knew exactly where there loved one was, the stillness in their voices painted a picture of a victorious finish line regardless of the journey it took to get there. Grief was the deepest emotion I had ever seen and I thought I knew it well. It wasn’t until my children died that I knew what real grief FELT like, it was much different than what it looked like. How does it feel? At first, it does not seem survivable.  A combination of devastation, despair, powerlessness, existential fear and GUILT, lots and lots of guilt exploding out of every cell throughout your body.. I never knew that such pain could last in a body for so long. A misconception I had, was all grief had a season, meaning it would pass, never did I think it would feel like the true journey that it is.