I have so many memories, but I wish I still had you.
A few weeks ago our 6 year old Zane came to our bed crying. I asked why he was so sad and he asked if I thought Collin missed me. I replied, “I know Collin isn’t sad in Heaven and I know he is still close to us, so I don’t think he misses me like we all miss him.” “Mom,” he replied as he fought to hold back tears. “I miss you at school and that’s only a little while, Collin has to miss you so bad. I’m sad for him but what if he gets so sad that you have to go be with him, what will happen to me?” ...I just held him and like countless times held back my our tears for the sake of his young heart. I whispered, “Mama will always be with you, and you don’t need to worry, because Jesus is taking care of Collin and he doesn’t need me.” Just days after this conversation a childhood friend Shara Lindstrom an amazing beautiful nurse, wife and mama of 3 young boys, was called Home to Heaven. Thinking back to my own sons fears I know her little boys must be aching for a much better explanation. I have found a peace and strength I didn’t have before that sweet mama was called Home. It’s amazing how God takes something so painful and continues to use it for good. This journey is absolutely endless. Continuing to parent through all of this has hands down been the very hardest task as well as the greatest gift, God could ever ask of us. There is a fine balance that must be maintained in order to allow Joy and pain to exists together. It’s not always graceful, as parents we strive so incredibly hard to make the kids childhoods, “normal and full of joy” but there are days that are so emotionally draining. When your eyes and heart have survived nightmarish circumstances it can be difficult to muster up that expected smile. It’s been 6 years since the accident but his memory hasn’t aged a day and Joy continues to grow on in our hearts. We thank God for that, everyday.