I've waited a long time...

I've waited a long time...

I’ve waited a long time...
When I let myself think about how many school years have come and gone since I have heard our heavenly child Collin’s voice, held him in my arms or tied his shoes...my whole body starts to tremble. I shake my head as if the embers of memories are literally burning in my bones, remembering the lasts...

The last first day of school he was singing, I helped him put on his backpack which took up half of his little body. He wore new shoes that we picked out together and was so excited to stand and hold hands with his best buddy Jack, to have a picture taken. And everyday after that, I helped him put on the backpack, put on his shoes and find his hook for his jacket. I brought him to school and every afternoon when I picked him up and our eyes would meet, he would immediately drop what he was doing and run to me. His locks of hair bouncing up and down as he jumped in my arms and quietly whispered, “mama.” Until one day, I brought him to school and he never came home again. His school clothes were delivered home by the police, his backpack weeks later and his jacket hook sat empty. I now have four surviving children here. Two year old twins, our daughter in 3k preschool and our son who started kindergarten today. 
This week has been hard...there’s negotiations that need to be done at bedtime, sandwiches that need to be cut in diagonals, new shoes that have lost their mate. All scratchy underwear and slippery socks had to be weeded through, all to prevent last minute meltdowns in hopes of a smooth sendoff for the first day of school. I’ve waited a long time for kindergarten, we were so close and then life stood still for so long. In my mind I was determined to create this beautiful stress free send off. But this morning, we still couldn’t find the mate to his new shoes, I misplaced his student ID lanyard and didn’t have it for school, mistakenly packed the wrong rest pillow and reminded him just one to many times how to navigate to the bathroom from his class, leading to a crabby departure. But I pulled him close just before he darted from my arms into the room and spoke quickly in his ear, “do you know Jesus, daddy and I love you?” He replied back, “I already know that too mom, you tell me that all the time.” Today was not perfect but I think I surpassed the real goal I had for myself today. My child knows God, knows where the bathroom is and knows, he is loved.